How to deal with the grief of losing a loved one?

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My family recently went through a very difficult time when we lost my father-in-law. Although he had been unwell for a long time, the news about his death came as a great shock to all of us. There is no replacement for people we lose especially our parents. Knowing that you will never be able to see an important part of your family is a very heartbreaking and painful experience. This incident made me ponder over the question of how one can deal with the regrets that one feels when he or she loses someone they love so dearly. I am not a psychiatrist or a professional dealing with these issues on a daily basis. But this article is based on my observations and life experiences. 

There are a few things one could do to help them deal with the grief of losing someone dear to us.

1. Express yourself 

One fine day you are told that the person who was a part of your daily life is gone and that you will never be able to see or hear them. Anyone who has gone through such situations knows that a realization of this type shocks your body physically and mentally. Instead of holding back your feelings, one should simply express whatever they feel at that point of time and even thereafter. There will be moments when one feels extremely sad and there will be moments when one smiles thinking about their loved one. In all circumstances express yourself without fear of being judged. Cry your heart out when you feel like and smile when you remember those happy moments.

2. Acceptance 

Once the phase of initial shock is over, then you have to accept the reality. It’s easier said than done. Some people take a few days while some people take years to get to this phase. No matter how difficult it sounds but the only truth of life is death. One must accept death as an integral part of life. Take your time to feel and express the grief and the pain that you feel when you lose someone you love. But also know that life goes on even after the person you loved so much has passed away. So accept this reality as soon as you can. The more time you take in letting go of the deceased, the more difficult it will be for you to go on with your life.

3. Be grateful for the memories you created

Once you accept the reality, think about the memories that you created with your loved one. They may not be with you physically but they will continue to be alive in the world of memories that you created together. Remember them in your good times and smile. Be grateful that they were a part of your life even if it was just for a short while.

4. Think about the people who are still a part of your life

The best way to deal with grief and loss is to involve yourself in the lives of the people who are still alive and a part of your life. Think about how you can contribute positively in their lives. When a person dies, he or she leaves many others behind. Be a support system for each other. Although there can be no pain more intense than that of losing someone but after one accepts the reality of death, they must also learn to live for themselves and their family, friends and the people who are still alive and a part of their life.

5. Forgive yourself

The loss of a loved one brings with it not only the pain of dealing with the grief but also the regrets and guilt of not being able to do more for the person you lost. Life and death are planned by destiny and nobody has control over these events. When one loses a loved one, they feel guilty of the things that they missed out on, the hug that they were not able to give, the call that they should have made, the visit was long overdue and the list is endless. But even if one had gotten a chance to see their loved ones before their demise, there will still be a regret of doing something else for the deceased before the death occurred. No goodbye is ever enough when you love someone dearly. Don’t blame yourself for the things you could have done, rather think about the things that you did while they were still alive. Don’t keep regrets in your heart as nobody has control over life or death. Forgive yourself.

6. Move on

This is the hardest thing to do and to hear. But as the saying goes “The show must go on”. Life doesn’t wait for anyone. One day the reality will sink in and one will have to move on. Don’t try to forget the person you lost. Many people believe that involving oneself in work or other things is the solution to dealing with grief. But the ones who have done this know it doesn’t work. Involving oneself in other activities or work is a temporary solution. But to move on with life, one has to accept the death of a loved one as a part of their present reality. Once this is done, only then can one move on in the real sense. 

Different people take different amounts of time to deal with the loss of a loved one. Don’t rush yourself. Try to help others who are in pain or who are less fortunate than you. This will help you not only deal with your loss but also to realize that you have so much more to give back to the world. Helping others is a process by which you can elevate your life to a meaningful purpose and heal yourself of the anger and hurt that you suffer. I hope this article helps you in your journey of healing.

What is the secret of happiness?

Loving someone with all your heart is all it takes to live a happy life,

Yet someone is complaining about their husband and someone is criticizing their wife,

We are so engrossed in fulfilling our selfish needs that we often forget the people who surround us,

Instead of comparisons and jealousy why can’t we focus on what we have,

We are complaining all day about stress, everyone seems to be dissatisfied with less,

People are ready to pay shrinks and spiritual gurus to buy happiness and peace,

Yet they struggle with the question of what will truly give their life meaning,

There is no secret that one can find in the outside world because money can’t buy contentment,

Pause for a moment and feel the fresh air, smell the flowers on your way from work to home,

Frown less, smile more, learn to find peace in yourself and you will never feel alone,

Stop looking for excuses to give up, stop blaming others for your situation,

Find joy in the things you do and accept responsibility for your own action,

There is no short cut to reach the destination of satisfaction,

“You” are the secret ingredient to happiness, peace and relaxation.

The Swing

Sitting on the swing I listened to the chirping of the birds,

Were they telling me something or just giving me company?

Their story of the day or their complaint about the water they didn’t get to drink today,

All I had to do was listen to their narration and fill their stories with words,

Although I was alone on the swing, their sound of laughter, tears and joy gave peace to me,

While being busy in our daily lives we don’t seem to have the time,

To share each other’s tears, joy and be together as “WE”,

To tell each other about the tales of the day and laugh together like the birds,

A story of pain, a story of joy or simply a story of our day,

If you give few minutes of your day to talk with someone you love,

Maybe you will find solace in the crowd,

And peace in the story your loved ones have to share.

Are you friends for a reason or friends for lifetime?

A very happy friendship day to all my readers. Thanks for supporting me through my writing journey. I am grateful to have a loyal following of readers who have always appreciated my work and inspired me to grow as a human being. In this article I will share some observations based on experience that may help you to differentiate between lasting friendship and temporary friendship.

We come across many people during different phases of our lives. Some people stay with us for life while some people only last for a short while. When we are in school and college, we make friends without being judgmental. There is no pretence nor expectation of anything in return. Such friendships are not need-based, they are feeling-based. Sometimes we find these friendships within the family in the form of siblings or cousins. Thus, these friendships last longer as they give you the comfort and freedom to be your true self. As life progresses, distance may come in such friendships but the bond remains close. This is the reason why when we meet our old  friends, there is a feeling of belonging and love despite the distance. These are your friends for lifetime. You can call them at 3 am without hesitation or worry of being judged. You share your life, your problems, your dreams with such friends over a cup of chai (tea). The most important characteristic of such friendships is that they add value to your life and personality, they teach you life-lessons which stay with you forever and they are based on trust. These are the friendships worth cherishing as they stand by your side in good times and in bad times.

Then there are other type of friends who enter your life for a short span of time. They come in your life for a reason and when the mutual needs are met they leave. We meet these friends at different places and at different times. Sometimes we meet them at parties or shopping malls or at work or in the neighborhood or while commuting from one place to another. These friends enter your life out of a need for company, support in work assignments or simply to teach you an important lesson in life. Just because they won’t stay in your life forever doesn’t mean they are not important. We need to learn many important lessons while walking on the journey of life. Our family, teachers and our lifetime friends help us learn these lessons throughout our journey. Yet there are some things which we learn from our friends for a reason. God sends them in your life for a specific reason or a need. Once the reason ceases to exist or the needs are met, these friends say goodbye. We learn some of these lessons through pain while we learn the other ones through love. Some of these friendships do turn into friendships that last for the rest of your life. 

Value all your friends whether they are need-based friendships, i.e. friends for a reason or feelings-based friendships, friends for a lifetime. You need both of these friendships to grow as a human being, to learn important lessons and to experience life. The most important virtue of keeping any relationship long-lasting is to develop the quality of forgiveness. If you let go of grudges and spread the message of positivity and love, you will always be surrounded by good friends.

On the occasion of friendship day, I dedicate this poetry to all my friends, new and old, for being a part of my life and for making my life beautiful by their presence:

You came in my life when I was barely able to talk and stayed in my life through all the seasons of life,

I learnt to laugh and cry with you, and that’s why you are my friend for life,

There were days when we got so busy that we lost touch and didn’t even call,

Yet you always remained in my heart as my most wonderful memory,

I met some other friends too while walking on my journey,

Some of them helped me learn, while some of them helped me earn,

Some of these friendships made me cry, but some of them made me strong,

Some of these friends became my friends for life while some of them said goodbye,

All my friends including the ones for a lifetime and the ones who came in my life for a reason,

Taught me the most important values that shaped my character and my attitude,

While wishing you all a happy friendship day and a life full of friends, I express my gratitude.

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